As an occasional visitor to Star Wars fandom, here are some things I would like to see come out of Rogue One:
–
the fic about the reactions of the Empire’s IT and records management
departments when they learn that some trigger-happy general just
literally blew up an entire unique archival repository of key bureaucratic data
– the comic about the first time some maintenance
technician tries to repair something on the Death Star and the guy’s
like, ‘where’s the documentation?’ and their boss is like ‘um, well,
funny story about that….’
– the in-depth analysis about various
mistakes the Empire makes in the original trilogy and how they operate
in context of an organization that has just, I repeat, LITERALLY BLOWN UP ALL OF
THEIR OWN BACKUP DATA. Of course it’s easy for any random hero to
impersonate a Stormtrooper! THEY DESTROYED ALL THEIR OWN PERSONNEL
FILES.Rogue One, or, Why All The Empire’s Librarians and Archivists Joined the Rebellion
Rogue 2 plot summary: a bunch of Imperial waste management techs go AWOL and steal the Death Star plans back from the Rebels because how else are we supposed to get the dianoga out of the pipes when we have literally no idea where half of these ducts go or what they’re for
they complete their mission but in the end decide not to delete the plans from the main Alliance computers after they’ve made their copy because ehhhhh what if we never had to fix anything on that piece of shit again, what if that, it’s insured right?
This also explains why none of the bridges or giant pits in the floor have railings: literally no one knows if they’re supposed to be there or not, and once someone tried to drill into the floor to install some and destroyed the main air circulation wiring for half the station, now everyone just has to be real careful all the time
It also means that when they built the second Death Star in ROTJ they had to start entirely from scratch, yikes
in the end they decide not to delete plans from main Alliance computers because their heist crew contains one records manager who’s like ‘look, we’re SUPPOSED to have redundant data backups, this way we’re not even paying for the storage!’
Paging @fahye because PUBLIC SERVANTS
this post has made the rounds amazingly on my dash and now it’s LITERALLY CALLING MY NAME.
pour one out for that tfa fic I was writing about della calrissian, disgruntled member of the new republic capital electoral commission, just trying to do her job and not get involved with the rebellion AGAIN.
never doubt my commitment to space bureaucracy.
My favourite bit-part in Rogue One was the Lawful Evil Archivist who was the subject of the demand “[Character]! I want every record he’s ever made, every transmission he’s ever sent!”
Lawful Evil archivist had the “i would murder you if it didn’t mean I’d lose my job” face of records management monkeys everywhere.
I want to know if they have an auditor who has to approve the year end accounts, justify capital losses and find the right kind of corporate language with which say “we blew up our own backup data because it seemed really Extra ™ at the time”
Schlagwort: :-D
Mumbling, the King looked away from his knight and muttered, “I need you to save the dragon… from my princess.”
Sir Rian looked at the King blankly. “Is this a jest, your majesty?”
“I do not jest,” King Harold says, looming in his throne. He, all at once, deflates, burying his face in his hands. “Word has begun to spread of Maria’s…peculiar pastime. I was supposed to have a meeting with King John next week, discussing the possibility of his son marrying my daughter.” The King points to one of the scrolls littering the ground. “I just received that cancellation this morning.”
Sir Rian looks at the floor and winces. He recognizes the royal crests from a half dozen neighboring countries and surmises that this isn’t the first cancellation.
“Oh dear,” Sir Rian says before he can stop himself. “Your majesty, the line of succession–”
“–will see Lord Calloway on the throne,” King Harold says, face still buries in his hands. He raises his head just enough so that Sir Rian can see the unhealthy bags under his eyes. “Unless my daughter, my dragon-enslaving daughter, can be brought around.”
If Lord Calloway sits on the throne, Sir Rian thinks, the people will set it on fire. Having just come back from patrolling the southern reaches of the kingdom, fending off pirates, that’s not a scenario he’s fond of. “Surely there’s some diversion you can offer her, your majesty? I hear the princess is rather fond of swordplay. A new tutor–”
“Good god, man,” King Harold says, “does no news reach our borders? Maria has already mastered swordplay. Then archery, then hand to hand, then some infernal thing called an ahlspiess. I didn’t even know what an ahlspiess was and my daughter used it to win last year’s knight’s tournament!”
“It’s a type of spear–”
“I know that now!” The King takes several deep, calming breaths.
„You know why Darth Vader didn’t join the fight on Scarif? The fucking planet is a beach, and it has sand.“
“I don’t like sand,” Vader says, looking Tarkin dead in the eye. Or at least, Tarkin assumes it’s in the eye. It’s very hard to tell behind those eyeplates. “It’s coarse,” Vader continues, and his voice drips with unchecked malice, an ancient, deeply harbored hatred that Tarkin secretly dreads learning the source of, “and rough, and irritating. And it gets everywhere.” There’s a hesitation, just long enough for Tarkin to open his mouth to speak, when Vader speaks again. “Not like on the ships. Here everything is cool, and sterile.”
“Understood, Lord Vader,” Tarkin says, not quite sure what to make of what he just heard. “We will use the Death Star to take care of the Rebels on the surface. You can remain on your ship and deal with the fleet.”
Thoughts on my Obi-Wan Kenobi Cosplay?
Brilliant.
Love it.
Excellent. 😀
Omg I can’t believe I’m doing this, but this is the sort of crack that I need to release before I can get anything done.
Set when Finrod first meets the Men
Finrod: I am your king.
Man: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
Finrod: You don’t vote for kings.
Man: Well how’d you become king then?
[Angelic music plays… ]
Finrod: The Lord of the Waters, dressed like a giant wave in glittering green armour sent to me a dream, signifying by divine providence that I, Finrod, was to build a hidden city. THAT is why I am your king.
Bëor: [interrupting] Listen, strange men lyin’ in rivers distributin’ hallucinations is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Reign of King Maedhros
Worst Mistake: Getting Kidnapped
Greatest Achievement: Getting Un-Kidnapped
Crack AU where Anakin can all of a sudden hear the background music that we all hear. Those pleasant chats with Palpy become a lot more ominous. Though Anakin admits that the fights have become a lot more epic. Thoughts?
Hahahahaha. Love it!
And okay, my first though was “and the galaxy was saved because even Anakin Skywalker would struggle to keep trusting Palpatine with that music playing in the background”
Anakin think he’s gone COMPLETELY insane (maybe he’s finally been electrocuted too many times and its fried his brain). He doesn’t tell anyone though because he can still fight just fine just… everything is a lot more musical. He doesn’t want to be thought crazy and taken off the front lines.
Once he figures out what the various musical cues mean he actually finds them useful in figuring out how dangerous a situation is. Also battles are so much cooler now and boring landscapes are slightly less boring because at least now they have mood music. Yep, he can live with this.
(Although he is always confused why the ominousness that is The Imperial March starts playing at some of his decisions)
*cracks up*
Anakin: I’m so worried about something. I should probably keep my feelings to myself and attempt to solve my problems by working with Palpatine. He seems like he has my best interests at heart.
Music: DUN DUN DUN, DUN DA-DUN, DUN DA-DUN!
Anakin: [pauses] [looks around] Uh…OK. I mean, I’ll…go talk to Obi-Wan?
Music: [hopeful woodwind instruments]
Anakin: …and be open and honest about my life and what is bothering me, and try to work out a non-violent resolution to my problems?
Music: [Force Theme plays]
Anakin: [smiles] All right! Huh. This is helpful.
Positive reinforcement at its finest. ;D
#lol#i’m just imagining the force throwing its metaphysical hands in the air like ‘subtlety obviously isn’t working with this one so have a whole#symphony of hints young reckless one’ (via @likealeafonthewind)
I’m crying from laughter, this is beautiful.
Anakin: *fucks up*
The Force: Son, please… Guess I’m gonna enable the hints menu.
THE HINTS MENU. *dies*
Maybe Obi-Wan hears the music, too, and then the day is saved.
Obi-Wan: [walking away] Welp, guess it’s off to kill Grievous I’m sure Anakin will be fi –
Music: [Duel of the Fates]
Obi-Wan: OMG not this shit again [runs back down the hall towards Anakin]
Anakin: [running back towards Obi-Wan] Obi-Wan I just heard that Ominous Music again and also I secretly married Padme and she’s pregnant and I haven’t slept in 6 days and I keep thinking she’s going to die and I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT and if you leave I will 100% end up killing everyone and –
Obi-Wan: – oh my God! OK…it’s OK, I heard my own ominous music a second ago when I was getting ready to leave and so I won’t and we’ll fix th –
Anakin: – I heard mine when I thought about maybe talking to the Chancellor instead of y–
Palpatine: [sidling up behind them smugly] Everything all right, gentlemen?
Music: [scary ass music from the opera scene]
Anakin and Obi-Wan: AHHHH
THIS GOT BETTER
Anakin wonders what is up with villains and electrocuting their captives. Dooku, he understood. The man could summon force lightning at will. It was quick and an effective torture tool for the count.
It was the non-force wielders he didn’t understand. Were electrocution torture devices on sale at Evil-R-Us? It just seemed too coincidental that everyone happened to have a spare electrocution device lying around.
He grimaced, as another muscle spasm pulsed through his body. If he ever turned to the dark side, he vowed he would not use electrocution on anyone. It was a fate no one was deserving of.
Especially when certain protocols are set in place to keep a perfectly healthy Jedi Knight from his duties. He was regretting his snide remark about being electrocuted for the gazillionth time.
If Obiwan was with him, his silver tongue of his could’ve freed from Anakin’s impending doom. Alas, he was not, and Anakin was stuck in a med bay for a few days. That was why he was currently fiddling around with his hand prosthetic. To say he was bored was an understatement.
The healers had given a plain white room and basically commanded him to rest. Anakin was staying awake out of spite. If he was a normal humanoid, he would’ve succumbed to the sleep pills ages ago.
But it was rather difficult to force a stubborn jedi to rest when they had a powerful ally in the Force. Even soft lullaby music wasn’t enough to put him in a sleepy state.
…seriously where was that coming from? He had spent a good hour searching for a hidden speaker to no avail. There was nothing in the white, blank, four-wall room that indicated such. It was as if an invisible orchestra was gathered around his bed. It was…unnerving to say the least.
That was awesome! Do you have plans to continue? I’d love to know what happens next, how Anakin tries to figure things out. (Also, his reaction to Obi-Wan/the Force theme, Across the starts, etc).
tosquinha likes-drawing-elves beguilingblackness ataralisse alackofghosts I SEE YOU GUYS HAVING YOUR UGLY SWEATER PARTY, but let’s not forget who wears the ugliest sweater of all. Bonus points for ugly family drama.
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