harry immediately after discovering tom riddle’s diary absorbs ink: hello magical book my name is Harry Potter and my age and address and credit card information and password is
A lot of people dislike The Fellowship of the Ring because it spends so much time faffing around in the Shire, but that’s precisely why it’s my favorite. The whole series is a lot more enjoyable when you remember that Frodo spent years sighing melodramatically and thinking he was some poor tortured soul who must leave home in secrecy and solitude for a mysterious fate…. but literally all of his friends knew he had a secret evil ring and made all his travel plans for him behind his back.
Like. He paced around going “woe is me! such a burden I must carry!” so obviously that his whole squad accepted the fact that they’d all go on a dangerous international adventure with him because Frodo the Drama Queen could not be expected to take care of himself.
I love Hobbits.
Also they accomplished it via the Power of Gossip and the only reason Frodo himself didn’t pick up on it is because he vastly underestimates the intelligence of every single other hobbit he knows bc he thinks he is Special he’s such a condescending ass and I Love him
Frodo: “I must confess… I have some bad news for you. I have not been totally honest. I can’t tell you everything, but–”
His entire social group: “Is this about how you’re the new bearer of the One Ring and need to take it out of the Shire to be destroyed? Yeah, dude, we know. We’re all packed and ready to go whenever.”
Frodo: “But but but but but! How did you know? How could you EVER figure out my SECRETS?!”
His entire social group: “Gee, Frodo, I don’t know… maybe you’re a pretentious dumbass and we aren’t the bumbling fools you think we are?”
geologist: will throw copious amounts of rocks at you. not recommended unless you can also throw equal amounts of rocks back
botanist: knows 1001 ways to poison you. probably shouldn’t fight
zoologist: knows 1001 animals that can kill you. probably shouldn’t fight either
entomologist: spiders. enough said.
physiologist: they know too much about the human body and how to cause optimal pain with minimal damage. not safe.
geneticist: will unleash their army of mutated fruit flies at you. can be either good or bad thing, depending on your preference for flies with legs growing out of their eyes
immunologist: they have perfected the t-cell inspired technique of „death by neglect“. if you fight them you will die in the saddest way possible
microbiologist: please don’t fight someone who is already pissed about antibiotic resistance and can identify bacteria based solely on their smell
climatologist: will choose the battlefield as somewhere in the path of a category 5 hurricane and then leave you to die. do not fight please
environmental scientist: they can control the entire world do you really want to fight them
chemist: have you seen breaking bad? no, do not fight them. do NOT
physicist: will kill you with math. not the best way to go
herpetologist: can probably speak parseltongue and know just which frogs are best at taking over your habitat. only fight if you live in antarctica
cancer biologist: has immediate access to at least 5 different tumor cell lines and knows exactly where to inject them in your heart to cause metastases. don’t even look them in the eye
marine biologist: is a real life aquaman. will lure you with cute river otters and then finish you off with some terrifying deep sea creature. better to just stay home and never leave
psychologist: is basically a mind reader. will drown you in your deepest darkest fears. 10/10 do not recommend to fight
molecular biologist: will kill you organelle by organelle. you will die a slow and painful death while covered in budding yeast
statistician: their power is always over 80%, and they will quickly punt you in the path of a normal distribution even before you can yell „Wilcoxon!“
archaeologist: can use a trowel 59 different ways, and only 9 are for digging. one can only guess the other 50, so may be advisable to stay far away
astronomer: will launch you into space and send you to a planet so inhospitable not even matt damon can make it back this time
pharmacologist: why would you ever fight someone who knows all about drugs. why
computer scientist: they know the perfect algorithm for death. do not fight, even with a firewall
linguist: no matter where you are, they can talk about you behind your back in the native tongue. do you really want death by humiliation. do you
dinosaurologist: are you kidding me?? the answer is no
I’m rlly frustrated bc I’m watching return of the Jedi and I just saw the scene where they’re talking about the sarlacc and I can’t stop thinking abt this one Tumblr post that’s something about how it wouldn’t be for that long bc he’d starve to death and Luke is like “tell him that r2. Tell him that he’s a dumbass r2. Tell him” and I’ve been googling for a billion years but I can’t find it and I rlly wanna find this post so if any of u have it plsssssss add the link and I’d die for u
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