so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY–
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
silence.
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
silence.
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”
DON’T
EXPOSE
MY KID
TO THAT CRAP
“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”
I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
are you fucking kidding
i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
I just was a homeless orphan, living on the streets of Washington, DC.
Every day, I would stop and look up at the White House, imagining how nice it would be to be inside those white walls, warm and fed, with the riches of the entire 13 trillion dollar United States budget deficit at my disposal.
One day, I was standing across the street from the White House as usual, digging through a dumpster and clutching my only companion close to my chest: a small pendant filled with plutonium that my mother had given to me before she died mysteriously.
Just then, a black limousine came out of the gates of the white house. The window rolled down. It was the Secretary of State. He looked directly at me and saw my plutonium pendant. “That’s plutonium!” He cried. “After her!”
Instantly a fully armed SWAT team came running after me. I ran through the slums and back alleys of DC, knowing that I could easily escape them because I knew the city better than they did.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t watching where I was going and I tripped and fell into the pool in front of the Washington Monument. The SWAT team pulled me out and brought me back to the White House.
Once there, they dumped me, still wet, in the Oval Office. The President was there, in his chair.
“Who is this girl?” he said. “Why have you brought her to me?”
“She was carrying this, Mr. President,” said a secret service agent, and held out the plutonium pendant.
“Aha! Plutonium!” Said the President. “How did you get that?”
“My mother gave it to me,” I said.
“What was your mother’s name?” asked the President.
“Jane Smith,” I answered.
“Jane Smith!” said the President. “I did not know you were the daughter of Jane Smith! Your mother was a member of a secret organization called the CIA. She served us well, but died fighting the evil organization known as ISIS. She must have given you the plutonium to protect it.”
“She must have,” I agreed.
The President gave the plutonium back to me. “In honor of your mother’s memory,” he said, “I’ve decided to give you a White House internship. Who knows? If you serve well enough, you may one day become a helicopter pilot for the Secret Service.”
“Thank you,” I said, overwhelmed.
“Oh, and one more thing,” said the President. “This belonged to your father.” He took down an AR-15 hanging on the wall and handed it to me. “Use it wisely.”
*Valkyrie would invite Ahsoka Tano into the Valkyries at a moment’s notice. You just know she was standing right outside the Jedi High Council Meeting chambers after the Council done fucked up with a big grin on her face and her elevator pitch proposal all ready: “So, kid, you ready to become a Valkyrie now?”
She would also invite Ventress. And Padmé. And Leia when she finally met her. Basically, Valkyrie is ready to adopt all the tossed-aside female characters and teach them how to be mythic badass fighters. (Don’t you think for a second she wouldn’t welcome any and all trans women, particularly trans clone troopers, because she WOULD)
*The moment the Revengers arrive in the Star Wars universe, Loki’s first order of business would be to locate the Obvious Person in Charge and proceed to either sleep his way into their favor or simply fuck them up with some magic and transform himself into them.
You can imagine how much fun it’d be when he inevitably meets Sheev Palpatine. (“Brother, he was already evil long before I got here I promise you that, therefore you can’t *really* fault me for trying to manipulate him, can you?” *mischievous batting of eyelashes*)
*Bruce cannot catch a break, since the moment the Jedi find out about the Hulk – a monster fueled purely by rage and other strong emotions – they scream SITH SHIT SITH SHIT while Palps is over in the corner salivating and *very* eager to get his creepy little claws all over Bruce Banner.
*Bruce is also the only one that’s aware of Star Wars as Earth knows it, so needless to say he spends most of his time particularly perplexed. (Yes, for much longer than he cares to admit, he’s pretty sure that Mace Windu is Nick Fury and this is all just some elaborate S.H.I.E.L.D. simulation created to fuck with him or keep him docile in some out-of-the-way research facility, drugged out of his mind. He is not amused)
*Speaking of Earth references, Thor mistakes Yoda for Kermit the Frog when he first meets him.
*Thor, Loki, and Valkyrie understand most of what they hear spoken in the Star Wars universe, give or take a few things. Bruce just stands there trying to remember the plot of the Star Wars movies so he can deduce what the fuck is going on without knowing what anyone is saying, until he finally throws up his hands and builds a universal translator because he is a badass scientist and he is *tired*
*The Revengers destroy slavery. Because why the fuck not? SOMEONE has to. (They have a lot of help from Korg and the rest of the emancipated trash planet fighters)
*Seiðr (Ancient Norse sorcery) looks a LOT like Sith magic/Force powers to the people in the Star Wars universe, so Thor and Loki get mistaken for Jedi pretty quick. (Thor does, at least. The clones all like him – they’re iffy with Loki, unless it’s Hardcase. Hardcase and Loki are buds. Game recognize game, as it were.)
*Hulk no like clanky men that go pew-pew. Hulk SMASH clanky men that go pew-pew and WIN WAR FOREVER.
*Obi-Wan is astoundly good at chilling Hulk out. He doesn’t do any of that rhyming bullshit, either. It’s a mix of powerful Force Suggestion and also the fact that Hulk just likes redheads.
*Thor enjoys lightsabers. The weightlessness reminds him of Mjolnir. *single tear*
*Thor can control Force Lightning like he can any other lightning, but he isn’t particularly fond of it. Force-imbued lightning is *weird* and he doesn’t like to touch it.
*Palpatine thinks Loki’s horned helmet is bitchin’. Loki immediately decides to never wear it again when he finds out.
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